When your life is shattering around you, you will learn more about yourself, than you have ever known. It isn’t optional, and it comes with no warnings. You will have days where you replay every moment in your mind, good and bad, and you will days where you do not think about anything at all.
Coming from someone with some quite severe childhood trauma, which as a by product has affected my mind and ability to deal with seemingly normal situations; if my life had not collapsed, I would never have dealt with my issues. That sounds awful to say, but it’s true. I would have likely continued an extremely unhealthy cycle, involving unregulated emotions, arguments, and damaging those closest to me. At least it would have continued until people got bored of the circle, and realised that they deserved more. In part, I think I allowed my life to take this turn because in some way, I thought it would help. I knew that I needed to do some serious work on my mind, and I knew the people I loved deserved more, so when I conversed with myself, it was selfish, but I had good intentions, I really did. And the last I’ll say on that matter, is that, watching those people achieve their dreams and be truly happy, is magnificent to see and makes my heart very happy.
Back to main point of this post, being the problem. I spent a lot of my time, throwing blame. It was always someone else’s fault, and I was the victim. Looking back, and yes, hindsight is a really wonderful tool, I was in fact, the problem. I created problems when there was none, I overreacted, I was hot headed, and I refused to listen. I was not a good partner, nor a good friend. I thought that simply loving someone was enough, being there, and believing my future set, was enough. But I was selfish, I never communicated with love during conflict, I gave the silent treatment, I gave ultimatums and I became the most insecure person I’ve ever encountered. I was lazy in love. And yes, my partner was not perfect, no one is, and we both had our issues, but asking, well practically forcing someone to deal with your behaviour and blaming it on mental health, is not okay. It never will be okay.
For a very long time, I allowed myself to cry (I still do, probably once a week), I allowed myself to reminisce and blame and ask why. It wasn’t until I was sat on the floor cleaning the fire, that I started to take accountability. I replayed scenarios in my head for hours, thinking about every time we argued, each little bicker, and each time I went to bed angry. It was me. I was the problem. I had lied, or shouted, or brought up some historic issue. I would get mad over nothing, start fights, and throw my insecurity and instability onto them. We’d go to sleep and in the morning I would hand out the silent treatment, I refused to communicate like an adult. I remember saying probably over a hundred times, an apology without changed action is meaningless, but I never saw that I was the biggest perpetrator of this.
Nothing was ever enough for me. I always believed that everything wasn’t good enough, effort, time, actions, I believed that they never tried hard enough, never planned enough, never cared enough, and in truth, they cared more than anyone. But constantly being told that you’re not doing enough, is going to break someone down. Realising that you’ve been the problem, is hard. There’s no sugarcoating it, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever learnt about myself. To know that had I been able to see where this cycle was leading, I could have prevented so much, and to know the pain I was inflicting on others, is something that I have to live with forever. It will forever be a reminder of the person I once was, and also a reminder to never be that person again.
Realising you were / are the problem is the hardest part. It’s the first step, and as with anything, the first step is the hardest, the recognition of the problem. But when it comes to actually breaking down each problem, each trigger, each scenario is a whole new level. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure my own mind out, and understand why it works the way it does, and I may never be able to understand it fully, but finally having some control over my brain, and its patterns and reactions is something I am thankful for. Especially when it comes to childhood trauma, it’s something we may never completely figure out, but whilst what happened to us was not our fault (AT ALL), the responsibility to heal and not follow down that path, is one hundred percent, solely, ours. And it sucks, having to be the one to fix a problem that we didn’t create and to have to pretty much re wire our brain, it’s not fair. Nevertheless, it is our responsibility. It is on us to make one or two choices. To continue the cycle, or to break it.
And I’m choosing to break it.
If anything I’ve said here resonates with you, please know you are not alone, and I truly do understand. This is your life, you get to live it however you choose, and I won’t lie to you, it’s hard, really really hard, but it’s so worth it.
The Becoming Her Diary 