The Becoming Her Diary

one mild crisis at a time

Tag: break up

  • Things I Don’t Miss

    Things I Don’t Miss

    When I was thinking about this, my first thought was that I missed everything. And truthfully in some way, I think I do. Especially the big stuff, the feeling of being loved, the care, the conversation. It’s all still there, and I do think about it often, with varying emotion. But there are a few things that I do now appreciate more and things that I am not missing quite so much. Also I feel we needed a slightly more lighthearted post after the few deeper ones of late! 

    Cooking

    Cooking for two, every day (or most days) is not only tedious after work, but coming up with different meals every day for 3 meals is NOT it. The grocery shop is arguably more fun alone, because I am only thinking about me, and I can buy whatever I want without thinking about what anyone else fancies. Also trying to fit two people’s weekly shop in the fridge when we both eat an obscene amount is not easy. I can eat what I want, when I want, and it’s selfish, but not having to think about another person, and their nutrition is wonderful. 

    Laundry 

    The sheer amount of it, enough said. Two people, going to work everyday, the gym, and running, without even considering towels, bedding, pyjamas. I was doing a load a day, and trying to get it dry with a tiny radiator. Now that it’s just me, I actually find laundry therapeutic. Seemingly there is still an obscene amount, but it’s definitely easier. Also without the stress of making sure they have clean dry clothes for the week, it’s a weight off. 

    The Guilt

    This is a funny one. But I always felt like I was holding that person back, not in life overall, even though maybe I was. But in the small things. If I didn’t want to go to the gym, I felt bad if that meant that they didn’t go. If I wanted take out, and they wanted to eat healthy, I felt bad wanting to order. I also don’t drive, so was reliant completely. If I wanted to go to the store, or out, I felt bad asking. Not having that feeling of guilt, and wondering if they are okay, if they’re happy, if they’re bored, and only having to consider my feelings, albeit selfish, it’s lighter. 

    Sharing a Duvet

    No explanation needed.

    Arguments  

    Normal in every relationship. The way we communicated wasn’t healthy in these moments and both of us would get heated and it never ended well. So the positive about being alone is that it’s really really difficult to argue with yourself. 

    Sharing a Bathroom 

    Self explanatory. Two reasons. living with a man is sometimes not enjoyable. And secondly, I can use it whenever I like and I never have to wait for anyone 

    Christmas 

    Splitting Christmas specifically. We had Christmas at my house pretty much every year, and the first year that he wanted to spend the day with his family, I was gutted. I was so selfish. But I will be honest, not splitting Christmas, and not having to feel guilty about that, I love that. 

    first Christmas alone

    The Thermostat War

    Maybe is this quite niche, but I liked the room hot, toasty, comfortable and always had the radiator on 30 degrees. He did not like that! He very much preferred it cooler, which meant one of us was uncomfortable with the temperature. Such a small thing, but when wracking my brain about things I don’t miss – it had to be included. 

    again, me spending money I didn’t have

    Money Talks

    This one arguably still causes problems, but now just for me. They were very good with money, most of the time. Controlled spending, budgeting, sensible. I also thought too sensible, and sometimes it wound me up. I on the other hand, lived beyond my means. Everytime we went out I would buy something, big or small. I do think it’s a bit of a serious problem, but I couldn’t help myself. Although in all honesty, my love language was gift giving, and spending money on that person, and so that was my problem. Now however, I am not affected their finances, my money problems, are mine alone and it’s only myself I can be annoyed at. So for that reason, I do not miss the conversations where we discussed money. 

    Maybe deep down, I miss pretty much everything, but for the purpose of growth, these are the few things that are helping me heal.

  • Being the Problem

    Being the Problem

    When your life is shattering around you, you will learn more about yourself, than you have ever known. It isn’t optional, and it comes with no warnings. You will have days where you replay every moment in your mind, good and bad, and you will days where you do not think about anything at all. 

    Coming from someone with some quite severe childhood trauma, which as a by product has affected my mind and ability to deal with seemingly normal situations; if my life had not collapsed, I would never have dealt with my issues. That sounds awful to say, but it’s true. I would have likely continued an extremely unhealthy cycle, involving unregulated emotions, arguments, and damaging those closest to me. At least it would have continued until people got bored of the circle, and realised that they deserved more. In part, I think I allowed my life to take this turn because in some way, I thought it would help. I knew that I needed to do some serious work on my mind, and I knew the people I loved deserved more, so when I conversed with myself, it was selfish, but I had good intentions, I really did. And the last I’ll say on that matter, is that, watching those people achieve their dreams and be truly happy, is magnificent to see and makes my heart very happy.

    Back to main point of this post, being the problem. I spent a lot of my time, throwing blame. It was always someone else’s fault, and I was the victim. Looking back, and yes, hindsight is a really wonderful tool, I was in fact, the problem. I created problems when there was none, I overreacted, I was hot headed, and I refused to listen. I was not a good partner, nor a good friend. I thought that simply loving someone was enough, being there, and believing my future set, was enough. But I was selfish, I never communicated with love during conflict, I gave the silent treatment, I gave ultimatums and I became the most insecure person I’ve ever encountered. I was lazy in love. And yes, my partner was not perfect, no one is, and we both had our issues, but asking, well practically forcing someone to deal with your behaviour and blaming it on mental health, is not okay. It never will be okay. 

    For a very long time, I allowed myself to cry (I still do, probably once a week), I allowed myself to reminisce and blame and ask why. It wasn’t until I was sat on the floor cleaning the fire, that I started to take accountability. I replayed scenarios in my head for hours, thinking about every time we argued, each little bicker, and each time I went to bed angry. It was me. I was the problem. I had lied, or shouted, or brought up some historic issue. I would get mad over nothing, start fights, and throw my insecurity and instability onto them. We’d go to sleep and in the morning I would hand out the silent treatment, I refused to communicate like an adult. I remember saying probably over a hundred times, an apology without changed action is meaningless, but I never saw that I was the biggest perpetrator of this. 

    Nothing was ever enough for me. I always believed that everything wasn’t good enough, effort, time, actions, I believed that they never tried hard enough, never planned enough, never cared enough, and in truth, they cared more than anyone. But constantly being told that you’re not doing enough, is going to break someone down. Realising that you’ve been the problem, is hard. There’s no sugarcoating it, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever learnt about myself. To know that had I been able to see where this cycle was leading, I could have prevented so much, and to know the pain I was inflicting on others, is something that I have to live with forever. It will forever be a reminder of the person I once was, and also a reminder to never be that person again. 

    Realising you were / are the problem is the hardest part. It’s the first step, and as with anything, the first step is the hardest, the recognition of the problem. But when it comes to actually breaking down each problem, each trigger, each scenario is a whole new level. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure my own mind out, and understand why it works the way it does, and I may never be able to understand it fully, but finally having some control over my brain, and its patterns and reactions is something I am thankful for. Especially when it comes to childhood trauma, it’s something we may never completely figure out, but whilst what happened to us was not our fault (AT ALL), the responsibility to heal and not follow down that path, is one hundred percent, solely, ours. And it sucks, having to be the one to fix a problem that we didn’t create and to have to pretty much re wire our brain, it’s not fair. Nevertheless, it is our responsibility. It is on us to make one or two choices. To continue the cycle, or to break it. 

    And I’m choosing to break it.

    If anything I’ve said here resonates with you, please know you are not alone, and I truly do understand. This is your life, you get to live it however you choose, and I won’t lie to you, it’s hard, really really hard, but it’s so worth it. 

  • Becoming Her

    Becoming Her

    I turn 25 this year, and my life is the complete opposite of how it was supposed to look at this point. Everything I knew, everything I had, everything I had dreamt about, just suddenly gone one day. 

    I still have no idea what I am doing, but I do feel that I am functioning better than I did for a very long time. I truly felt like my world was ending, and I was an outsider watching my life fall apart around me. I think you can never prepare for it to happen. Whatever the circumstances are, you can never truly prepare for that, nor do we ever think about it really, so when it happens, and everything collapses, it completely and utterly floors you.  Most people have experienced anxiety and depression before, but this is next level, its grieving someone who is still alive, and that’s a very strange feeling to navigate.

    I was planning a wedding, planning my future home, how we would raise our children, and it just ended. I think we knew for a while that maybe we weren’t the perfect people for each other, but we still had incredible amounts of love for one another, and we clung on to that. Still to this day, I do not have a bad word to say about him, he taught me everything I know about life, love, and the world, and I couldn’t be more grateful for getting to spend so many years with such a wonderful person. That said, sometimes you can know that you have grown all you can together, and something needs to change.

    Nevertheless, here we are. I’m twenty five this year, and everything is different. Don’t get me wrong, I spent days in bed, months crying, not eating, not sleeping, and grieving someone, and a future. But I accept, that had this not happened, I would never have grown as a person, I would never have been forced to better myself, and really discover who I was. The problem is now, I fear I may want too much. Not physical items, but experiences and feelings.

    To name a few

    • Travel central America
    • Climb Mount Everest
    • Live in a city
    • Lose the social anxiety
    • Meet new friends / people
    • Travel through asia
    • Skydive
    • Solo travel
    • Write a book

    Now this list I have been working on since 2025, however we are two months in to 2026 and I’m still yet to tick anything off. However, I have made progress lets say.

    I have a solo / solo group trip, planned and paying off for November this year – slightly panicking about the financial side, but there we go, its something that I booked on a whim when I bored on my lunch break at work, and I’m too far in now to cancel it, so I have faith in myself to make this work.

    Regarding living in a city, NYC the dream, but being more realistic, London, but being achievable, Liverpool. Truly, I hope one day I can stay in NYC for a fw months and experience the NYC lifestyle, however for now, Liverpool will suffice. I have never visited the city, nor have I even been close, however, I have used the mostly wonderful resource, that is social media, and I think I’m excited. I am hoping to drop everything and go I the next few months, find a little flat, and get stuck into to city life. I do not have a job secured, nor do I know anyone in the area, but I am exited for a fresh start. The thought of leaving my family is awful, and if I could take them with me, I really would. I have stagnant and stuck for so long, in the same town, same job, same everything for over five years now, and if I don’t just do it on a whim, I wont ever do it. I am excited to meet new people, and have new experiences, be able to try new things that don’t exist where I currently live.

    Everest, is a dream, and when speaking with my boss, I have decided to start with Snowdon.

    I will also admit, I have started writing a book. Several actually. Although unfortunately the fantastic ideas I have in my head for these books; when I put pen to paper, its barely two pages. So I am working on that.

    This year, I think is going to be the turning point in my life. I have decided to take the approach of, what is the worst case scenario, and what have I got to lose. If all fails in Liverpool, I come home, re jig, and try something else. If my book fails, okay, I write another one. If I make no friends, clearly something is wrong me with me, but truly those things are my priorities. Exploring life, adventures, re structuring my days and my life so that I am living for me. Genuinely, I am excited for the future, and what I can do.

    My problem is patience. Everything I want, I want it now. I don’t like waiting, I don’t like being patient. I have an idea for an adventure, or a dream, and I want it now. Then when I don’t get it now, I lose all of the good mood, and by the end of the day, the motivation and excitement is gone. Its then a repeated cycle everyday. I Have spent so many months now, working on myself, my mind, and the way I deal with situations and manage my mental health, that I feel like a different person now. I can fully accept my responsibility and parts that I played in situations in my life, and I have control over my feelings and how these are communicated.

    I do feel so unbelievably good about this year,  in every aspect, aside from financially. From I believe its going to work, it has to, because I have no other choice. I am determined, and I’m ready to progress sin my life, and I hope that as time goes on, I can watch myself achieve, and see the person whom I develop into. So, with all of this said, my life is starting again, from scratch, with all the lessons I have learned and lived, but we are beginning again.

    And lastly, if anyone else is also at this point in life, where everything feels like its too much, and the walls are caving in, PLEASE, just trust in something, because I promise you, everything will be okay.