Grief is difficult in all circumstances, but grieving someone who is living, and exists and whom you can see, and access, is a different experience. It is grief, and don’t listen to anyone who tells you it’s not. You lost someone you loved; you are allowed to grieve that, and all that comes with it.
Whether you are grieving somebody living, or someone who is sadly not, its broken down into three parts. As per the title of this post, it will be focused on the living but is still applicable to those who aren’t.
Grieving the Past
These are your memories. These are the times you spent laughing, at your happiest, they were some of the best moments of your life. We remember the little things, the gestures, the days we felt most in love. The big things as well, the trips, the adventures, the big talks about life. You will always be reminded of certain memories, and there is nothing you can do about this. If you see a certain place, hear a familiar sentence, a laugh that sounds similar to theirs, the memories and the past can come flooding back, and we have no control over that. The only part we have control over is how we respond to this. It’s okay to cry, to get upset, to be completely thrown off, and for the wave of emotion to come out of the blue. That is normal. There are times even when we think we are healed, that it can come all of a sudden and you’re taken back to those first few days of turmoil. There will also be times when you hear a quote from a TV show that you both loved, and instead of breaking down, you smile. You remember you both watching and laughing, and you smile, and it brings you peace, knowing that you have those memories and they aren’t going anywhere.
That’s the key takeaway. Those memories, those feelings, those emotions and adventures, they’re not going anywhere. Every happy moment, and every sad, you will carry with you forever, whether you like it or not. And even though at first, it won’t feel like it, you are lucky to have those memories. To have been loved in a way where you felt peace, and happiness, is something people dream about. But remember, just because memories with this person have come to an end, it doesn’t mean you won’t make more.
I find myself becoming quite emotional as I’m writing this, because its bringing all of my incredible memories back, and remembering my own advice is hard sometimes. But I know how lucky I was to have experienced a love like I did, and how wonderful those memories are to think back on. We backpacked Thailand for three months, we drove around Europe for six weeks. We rented a flat together, and went on so many amazing holidays, and once in a life time adventures. We laughed, cried, and got mad with each other, but nothing takes away the love that we had for each other, and the memories that we will both treasure forever.
It is still grief, it is still a loss knowing that those were the last memories that you will have with someone, and it sucks truthfully. But you have to remember that memories last forever, and the lessons that you are taking into new chapters of your life, you cannot put a price on those.
Grieving the Person
This is tough. You were in love, magical love, and you thought this person was forever. You never prepare for that to not be the case, its never even a thought in your mind. Sometimes, and I know I was the biggest doer of this, but we lose out on so much with our person, because we make bad choices, and think bad things. It can be due to insecurity, or anxiety, but we only realise it when its too late. We wasted time, and knowing that you could have had more time with them, and loved them differently, and not held grudges, you could have been happier. But the truth is, thinking about this, and thinking about the ‘what ifs’, changes nothing. It is what it is, and it was what it was. We cannot go back, we can only learn.
Grieving a person who is living is rough, super rough. You know this person is out there, you know you could call or text them, or see their social media, or even arrange to catch up with them. Except you can’t. Because you have to treat it as though they don’t exist. But they do. Not reaching out, not checking in, and also not being checked on, not receiving their messages, it’s gut wrenching, and it’s the worst I’ve ever felt. It’s a constant cycle of, should I message them? Should I check in and see how they are doing? Maybe if I like their story, they will remember me, maybe they’re thinking about me etc etc etc. The only person it hurts, is YOU. The truth is, if they wanted to message you, and check in, they could! And the same goes for you. But out of respect, and feeling disconnected, and not knowing what the future holds, or maybe even, to put it bluntly, they don’t want to. That is okay. You ae grieving. They are grieving. We don’t know what the future holds, and I really believe in the saying that if something is meant for you, it will not pass you by.
Remember them, remember their smile, their laugh, their eyes, their voice, their touch. Remember it, and know that you were both so lucky to experience everything you did together and know that nothing can take that away. But also understand that sometimes, things end, and that is also okay. It’s going to hurt, and you’re going to bleed, but you will be okay.
Grieving the Future
This for me, is the hardest one. Everything was planned. The wedding, the family, the children, the house rules, the trips, the home, the holiday homes. Everything was planned and discussed, the excitement surrounded the conversations. You know what your life is going to look like with that person, and nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, can prepare you for when that comes crumbling down. I had never even pictured myself saying my vows to another man, I had never pictured a different father of my children. So you don’t just lose memories, you don’t just lose the person, you lose everything, Your past, your present and your future. All of your dreams you talked about and wanted to fulfil, are all connected and intertwined with them. All I can say, is feel it. Don’t run away from it, don’t block it, don’t refuse to address it. Feel it all, cry, scream, stay in bed, get mad, go wild for a bit, feel every ounce of pain that you have inside you.
You will heal, with time. A lot of time. It is not something that happens overnight, or even a few months. I will be honest with you, even now when I think about the future, sometimes their face is still there in my plans. It’s their views I’m thinking about, and taking into account their feelings. I still get sad, when I think about the fact that things I thought we were going to achieve together, are no longer. I will be achieving those alone, and maybe at some point in the future, with someone else. But for now, I want you know, it’s okay to not be healed yet.
It doesn’t matter if you are grieving someone from yesterday, from a few months ago, or even a few years. Grief has no timeline. And as I mentioned previously you may think you are healed, and something can catch you completely off guard, and make you feel like you are back at square one. But give yourself grace. Feel everything, and know that just because your life has flipped upside down, you are still capable of achieving all of your dreams, and you still have time.
Dealing with all three of these at the time, is hard, Some days I feel like I have it all under control and the next day, I am a mess, sobbing on the bedroom floor. There is no timeline, and no pressure to be ‘healed’. You will be okay, and you will not be okay, and that’s OKAY. Miss them, remember them, but also accept the situation, and know that you are not in control, and you cannot control this. Focus on what is in your control, and that is you.
The Becoming Her Diary 